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Post by rob-s on Apr 14, 2006 23:03:08 GMT
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
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Post by rob-s on Apr 14, 2006 23:27:48 GMT
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato? A small fry!
Two college students, Jim and Johnny, are visiting Fort Lauderdale at spring break. Jim notices the other with females hanging on his every word hugging and carressing him, and he is puzzled.
That night as they bed down under the dock, he says," Hey, what is it with you, anyway? You got women all over you!" The other whispers, " I'll tell you my secret. Slip a potato into your pants. They cannot resist you." So the next day, Jim appears suitable adorned, and again has no luck. That night, he accosts Johnny. "Hey man, I did what you said. I put in the potato and they still won't come near me!" "Well, maybe there's something wrong. Let me take a look... Oh, No! Man, the potato goes in the front, man, in the front."
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Post by rob-s on Apr 25, 2006 23:26:06 GMT
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See .. He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more Than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
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Post by rob-s on May 5, 2006 16:32:06 GMT
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,"Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said! "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and stated. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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Post by rob-s on May 5, 2006 17:08:18 GMT
> A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an > animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at > first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say > the following: > > Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come > once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee > twice. Then I come one lasta time." > > You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. > In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex > lives . . . " > Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who's talkin' abouta sex? I'm > a > justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
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Post by rob-s on May 7, 2006 12:04:20 GMT
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada with a bag of money and insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged him, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president dropped his pants and the little old lady peered closely at his balls, and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" Oh, she replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hands."
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